It is a common and unfortunate phrase that we heard for many years from the adults we spoke to about choosing to foster - "I would never be able to foster a child, I would become too attached." The resounding response to this is "YES! Please become too attached. Please allow that child to be unconditionally loved. Help them learn they have value and their life means so much to you and others. There is nothing healthier and better for that child than to be loved and learn to love others. And yes, it does hurt when they leave and that is OK. As an adult you have the ability and power to change that child's course for the better not just for a day, but for their lifetime." 

Research tells us that children who have healthy attachments: 1) feel protected and safe, 2) are able to explore their world, 3) are able to regulate emotions better, 4) are able to be more responsive to discipline, and 5) develop resilience and cope better with stress even into adulthood. Beyond this I want every child to leave our home knowing their life has value and worth and I want them to know what healthy relationships look like from an inside perspective.

As children left our home, matured, and started their own families we had the privilege and blessing to hear from them on how time in our home helped them. One of our daughters called one day to tell us thank you, that she had never known you could argue with each other without throwing things at each other - something we considered a pretty simple lesson. And then another day we heard, I know so much more about how to be a mother because of what you showed me every day. This is just two brief examples of sweet moments our adult daughters have shared with us; there are so many. We are seeing the intergenerational transmission of abuse broken as they parent their own children. The cycles of abuse are hard to break, but it is through healthy attachments and the demonstration of daily love that we begin to do so. And this is why when I meet adults who tell me they can never do this, they could never love a child and then send them on their way back to their family; I, in response, tell them why they should. 

Typically, when a call comes in, you receive the child's name, age, and perhaps a few accurate or possibly inaccurate details. However, when it comes to teens, you often receive a call that includes their name, age, and a lengthy list from a folder documenting every mistake they have ever made. The focus is solely on the negative aspects, with no mention of their positive qualities. Unfortunately, this incomplete portrayal is how the child is judged, rather than considering the full picture of who they are. As the foster parent, you are left to decide whether to accept this child, knowing all the challenges you were just informed about.

I can't imagine having a folder created for my own life, with only my mistakes written down and shared with others. It paints a terrible portrait of an individual.

What we learned through our experience was that our daughters possessed remarkable attributes. They were strong, fierce, funny, serious, smart, independent, and resilient. They also needed guidance in exploring the world, managing emotional stress, building healthy relationships, and making lifelong decisions—things that every child requires. They were no different.

Fostering teen moms was not part of our original plan; it was something we felt led to do by God. One benefit we later realized was that by living with us while we had young children, they had the opportunity to observe our parenting. Though far from perfect, our family interactions helped them understand what healthy relationships look like and how to parent and raise their own children.

The truth is, we have amazing daughters, and honestly, there were very minimal issues along the way. Now, as grown adults with children of their own, they express their deep appreciation for us. Their words resonate like church bells in our ears, but what I cherish most are the relationships we have with them now. Sitting down and talking, helping them navigate their daily challenges, and sharing life together—these are the ways they continue to bless me. 

We are so fortunate to call them daughters.

The immediate impacts were not always clear. Yes, sometimes there were withdrawals and my daughter was crying every afternoon at 2pm as she suffered through those lasting effects. But as you hold that child close you wonder what will this child be like years from now? Will they have lasting impacts? I know the two year old that still cries excessively. I know the meth cry. But five years out, and ten years out, when the child is adopted, the troubles look different. Nothing quite prepares you for handling the development and emotional needs of trauma kids. And part of that is because every child is so different, and every situation is different. 

It probably took us a few years before we realized our four-year-old was slightly, or dramatically, more impulsive than other children, mainly because she was so wonderful in other ways and we had never had other children. Or that telling our six-year-old son not to do something, 100 TIMES, really wasn’t going to make much of a difference. Or that the impulsive behavior that they had as toddlers, while it may improve, does not disappear as much as you would hope even as teens. Parenting is hard for everyone. Parenting with trauma kids is even harder. Redirecting may work with a toddler, but not with a school-age child. Searching every step along the way for a new schedule that will work, for rewards that will work, for something that will help the child think through a situation instead of just reacting. The struggle is real when consequences do not matter or can not be considered because reactions are too quick.

And the real issue is that prenatal drug exposure has long-term impacts on brain development and brain structure, changes that often lead to high impulsivity with children. In fact, the effects of drug exposure can have mulitple long-term effects on children including: cognitive delays, language delays, irratabililty, learning difficulties, balance problems, and brain damage - all issues we have dealt with. While that in itself is horrible and the children are suffering long-term consequences from the mistake of others, many of these children also struggle with lack of support from teachers, community leaders, and churches. Those adults who insist that your child’s lack of control is somehow related to your lack of direction or parenting, or the child’s lack of respect, when in truth the issues are much deeper and much stronger than that.

I have found what works for our family in large part. We have grown together and we daily strive to learn patience, love, forgiveness, self-discipline, and self-control. However, the words that came to me years ago, in the thick of this, speak clearly to those who I know are struggling with the behaviors of trauma kids. So I want to leave them here. When I was run down and exhausted with the heaviness of raising children with lasting impacts of drug abuse, this is how I sadly felt in the thick of the turmoil.

"When I meet you, I will judge you. Your demeanor and behavior towards my family will tell me the amount of grace you will most likely give us. It is impossible for me not to. If you are eyeing my children before greeting me, I have probably already made up my mind. I have been scolded, lectured, and sneered at because my children do not always follow the rules. I wanted perfect children. It didn’t happen. I wanted to be the perfect mom. It didn’t happen either. But what I do know is that giving yourself grace, others grace, and your children grace goes so much further in building relationships, trust, and community than holding someone under a never-bending set of rules and regulations. I have walked in churches where we have been scolded for a child being on a rail. We have had accidents in homes and never been invited back. Family has put possessions in higher regard than my child. It puts me on edge. All of it. I have been on edge for years. My child is not going to not touch something because they were asked. And to those who have offered us grace, and given me hugs and seen the nerves I carry when we are out, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your grace helps me get through many days. I am by no means suggesting following our own desires and sinfulness, or failing to train and teach our children. We will seek to do what is right, good, and holy in sight of God. Every day of my life is devoted to helping to meet the needs of our children while giving God the glory. Our family will continue to walk the straight and narrow, and when my child struggles, I will continue to ask “How can I help you?” because they are loved, and they have value, and they are a gift from God."

Looking back at these words and knowing the place we are now, I know the grace I extended to my children with the consistent parenting has made a dramatic difference. I am so thankful that we are growing together and with each other. We all have faults and we all make mistakes but even through the difficulties, the clashes of personality, and the problems, through the extension of grace from each of us we can heal many wounds. We are still working and striving for self-control and self-discipline and may be for many years now. Our success will not be reached in a day or through a sudden burst of parenting, but through the perservance and continued struggle to live in peace and harmony with each other.